How I Create the Life of My Dreams Even When I Feel Like Shit
Allowing imperfection is a superpower
For over a decade, I have been reading up on manifestation. For years I taught classes and led manifestation groups. For my whole life, I have been working on myself, bringing to awareness the unconscious programming running my life so that I, and only I, would be the creator of my destiny.
Over time I began to create my own manifestation techniques because I felt that many ideas on the topic, especially those outlined in the "Law of Attraction," although interesting and helpful, were not all that comprehensive and did not take into account the role of trauma, addiction, bad habits, the difficulties of managing intense emotions, to name only some of the things we as humans walk around with in life.
Trying to think or feel positive when you are in the pit of depression or to attempt to feel confident about an outcome when your self-esteem is in the gutter is a real struggle, if not impossible.
Knowing the conflict of wanting something but not knowing how to get it very well, I have helped others work with their intense emotions, teaching them how to join instead of resisting the most difficult and self-destructive beliefs. I have passed on my experience working with the power of visualization to evoke positive emotional states, which help release trauma stuck in the body. I have led meditations with people worldwide, using the power of group energy to manifest life goals and dreams.
So with time, I found myself becoming a master at manifestation. Everything I wanted, I got. From the extra salmon roll I didn't order. Still, I wanted that show up on my plate courtesy of the chef thirty minutes after I decided secretly in my mind I would get it, to my request for a loving, sexy, emotionally available man to travel with during my time in Asia who showed up only three days after I wrote the script for it in my journal, to the money I found on the floor four times in one month, to all those rents stabilized apartments that came my way, to that taxi that appeared out of nowhere, to all those parking spots…
It dawned on me as I was experiencing one thing after another come my way that finally, I had become the creator of my own life story. All that therapy, healing work, and dedication to knowing the deepest parts of myself had paid off. No longer was my unconscious beliefs, the voices of my parents, the narratives of society creating my life. I had become the master of my destiny.
I was having a good old time. I was also getting a little cocky.
Life throws a curve ball.
At the time, I was about to move back to Berlin after a one-month trip to New York and needed a temporary sublet before moving into my long-term apartment. Thinking of my stellar track record with a big smirk on my face, I thought, "Easy."
I also knew that getting a sublet with certain requirements: amazing light, a particular neighborhood, a balcony, and cheap rent wasn't going to be so easy, given the current market and the time of year.
I woke up in the morning not knowing exactly how I would go about doing this and decided to start with paying a visit to my iPhone. I saw on Facebook that my request to join an ex-pat Berlin apartment group had just been approved, so I scrolled, and within minutes I found "the apartment."
Two seconds later, I wrote the woman who created the post expressing my interest, and 30 minutes later, I was told the apartment was mine. I'm more than impressed with my skills, and I am bathing in the magic that seems to be a never-ending stream pouring from the sky into my heart and back into my life in the form of all these beautiful gifts.
But then, one day later, the breaking news: the apartment has fallen through. I see the message, "Sorry it's not going to work out…" and begin to feel anxious. "What the — ?" I ask myself, somewhat confused with my manifestor ego bruise beginning to swell. Making matters worse, on this same day, I am feeling really hurt and disappointed by my partner. He feels far away, so I start spinning like I sometimes do when life throws me a double whammy.
The domino effect is now in full effect. I'm anxious. I have six days left to find a place; what will I do? I feel alone, sad, and defeated: all the feelings that get triggered in me when people I love seem not to be showing up. My body begins to feel numb, and I know I'm in a state.
The state where deep emotional wounds come up and take over. I am lost. I don't know who I am, I don't feel good enough for anything or anybody, and I don't know how I will get out of this state. I try to distract, and nothing works, not a visit to the Planetarium to watch that space show I've wanted to see forever, not a walk in Central Park on the most beautiful sunny day of the summer so far.
I'm pissed and say to myself more than once: "All this manifesting talk is a crock of sh*t."
Then I put on the brakes, in all the ways I have taught myself and others to do over the years, because I know I'm about to enter the dark side. I start breathing. I do yoga poses. I remind myself of all the blessings in disguise behind the things that have fallen through in my life. I talk out my feelings with people who I trust. I journal. And most importantly, I tell myself this: "This is just a feeling and whether it's real or not, accurate or not, you must honor it. Do not abandon yourself here in this place where you need yourself the most."
I think back again on all I have read about how our negative thoughts and feelings create our reality and all the B.S. about the importance of getting rid of them.
I connect with this deep knowing that creating a better reality for ourselves isn't simply about dispelling negative states and replacing them with positive ones.
Of course, our negative outlooks and beliefs about the world and ourselves create our realities to some degree. But it dawned on me that something much different and bigger is at play: it isn't the negative thoughts and feelings that create our realities.
It is the judgment we have about our thoughts and feelings.
A Eureka moment!
I thought that if judgment is the toxin, then compassion must be the medicine. With this revelation, I started practicing this thing called mindfulness.
Still half numb and spinning, I practice the best I can and don't see immediate results. But I know the process well by now. I know it takes time. I know if I can be with myself without judging what I'm feeling, if I can ju andithout blaming myself for being some fraud at manifestation or not good enough at love, the feeling will pass.
It does, but not entirely. Regardless, many hours later, I started to get proactive again. I find another apartment showing up on my Facebook list. It looks nice. Wait, it looks better! It's also cheaper, and the sublet term is longer than I would like, but it dawns on me after I assess my whole moving situation that a longer temporary sublet is actually better for me. I start seeing the reason behind all the madness.
I realize I can still get what I wish for and what I need may sometimes be way better than what I initially wanted. I know I am an adult, not a spoiled child, and it is quite unsatisfying and counterproductive to get everything I want in an instant. If a space is provided, a surprise can be born. I remember patience is a virtue.
I write the woman subletting my new find, and I get the apartment almost immediately.
I woke up the next day, and the storm had passed. I pay another visit to my iPhone, and I see a message from the landlord of the original apartment that fell through, saying I can have the apartment after all. I find I am now in the position of having to choose: Chocolate Cake or Pecan Pie. I love both, but I'll go with what my gut is craving at the moment. After I declined the landlord's offer, she told me to contact her in the future if I ever needed a space. I think, "What a wonderful world!"
The Takeaway
Reflecting on this experience, I realize I was given a very powerful lesson. Not only am I allowed to be overcome by negative feelings, but there is also no punishment for feeling something negative. Ever.
I don’t have to be perfect to receive.
And not only that…life doesn't withhold from us. Ever.
Life brings us exactly what we need to embody our fullest potential: the relationships that tear us open to healing and our challenges. I would say most of those experiences we are likely to interpret as bad luck or "poor me" moments are the ones showing us the dysfunctional patterns that are holding us back from a better life.
We all have the capacity to create the lives we want.
So, really, it is only our egos, not life itself, working against us and our dreams.
The self-judgment, the unreasonable expectations, and everything else we say to ourselves prevent us from showing up as we are:
Imperfect, beautiful humans navigating a messy yet extraordinary journey called life the best we can.
It is only now, as I look back at the big life transformations, that I realize they were due in large part to working with my inner critic, to not giving up on giving voice to something much more profound and loving living inside me. A voice that says:
"If you just let yourself be as you are, there will be nothing left to do or heal."
So there it is, the biggest gift of all: The moment you decide you are perfect and lovable with all your messy insides spilling out, you will get anything you want or something better than you can ever imagine.
Try it!
The next time an emotional storm hits and you think you won't get what you deserve because you are not good enough, pat yourself on the back for feeling like shit. Then find the time and care you need for the wave to pass so that beautiful wave of a thing you've wanted can flow through.
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Much LOVE,
Danielle