How To Be Sexually Free Even When You Don’t Know What You’re Doing

4 ways to let go and enjoy the ride.

Nov 26, 2022

The older I get, the stronger my desire to connect with my body becomes. I want to dive into its sensual goodness. To discover its full power: where it can take me and also my limits.

As I move deeper into my sexuality in a conscious way, I’m discovering all the places within myself I avoided facing in the past simply because I didn’t want to feel the discomfort.

The discomfort of shame, the discomfort of realizing I don’t know what I want or what I’m doing and sometimes even the discomfort of feeling my own pleasure.

Over the years, I made the choice to stay with my uncomfortable feelings. I learned if I sit with my discomfort, like any wave of emotion, it will pass and if I give it time, eventually transforms into something I don’t expect and can never predict.

More shocking to me has been that if I allow my discomfort, it becomes the source of my sexual power.

And consequently, my sexual freedom.

Alas! The game changing discovery

The heart of a deeply satisfying sexual dynamic lies more in the power of authenticity and intuition rather than, for example, using sexual techniques one learns by watching videos or replaying experiences from past sexual partners.

No one, of course, knows what they’re doing sexually all the time. I know hyper-sexual people who can’t orgasm, people who can voice their needs and have tons of sexual tools in their kit yet can’t find deep connection. Having sex in this way becomes like taking a hit of a drug, an experience which feels amazing in the moment yet empty as ever afterwards.

So how then can you be sexually free while feeling anxious, ashamed, awkward and clueless at the same time?

Here are my secrets.

Awkward is Sexy

When I’m feeling sexually awkward, I don’t have to like it but it’s absolutely essential I respect it. By respect, I mean sometimes I just need to breathe through it rather than judge it.

It means I get interested in it rather than shut it down.

If I stay with it, not only does it pass, it sometimes transforms into something completely unexpected: a new sexual impulse, a new sensation or a different body movement.

These new expressions sometimes flow with that of my partners.

And sometimes, they do not.

But guess what?

That’s okay too and here’s why.

When Two Sexual Flows Don’t Flow Together

Several months ago, I was getting it on with a guy I’d been dating. In the middle of it, I found myself moving from a state of flow-sexually charged and in tune to a state of constriction-meeting a wall where I began to feel a bit frozen.

I became unsure of my needs and how I wanted to express myself which created anxiety about my performance which of course killed my erotic energy in that moment, all so present just minutes before.

I said to myself: Girl, here we are again. What are we going to do different?

I decided: I’m not going to take this wall or any anxiety I’m having about myself all that seriously. I’m going to just stay with my discomfort and awkwardness.

To discover: it passed and even better, my body began to take over. I started moving in different ways. I slowed down, made more eye contact, and started touching my partner in ways that were more tender.

All of which I realized only afterwards allowed me to reconnect with myself and my needs.

I woke up the next morning thinking: “Damn that was so good!”

I felt empowered by my ability to move and transform my own sexual energy and energized by the magic of simply being present. I felt sexy.

I also felt we had moved to a deeper level.

To find out: that wasn’t the case for him. He felt curious but also indifferent about the experience. Naturally, this bummed me out at first.

But then this happened:

I decided to trust his experience of our dynamic while also trusting mine even though they were entirely different because both were absolutely authentic.

I knew also I wasn’t using him simply for my own pleasure.

Rather I was fully enjoying the pleasure of an encounter I was having with myself, me with me and all my emerging impulses, which he happened to facilitate by being there and being him.

This liberated the hell out of me.

Why?: Because being sexually liberated, first and foremost, means you know your own sexual energy and how it lives and moves inside your body even when it’s feeling “stuck”. That is, you do your best to accept the nuances of it without needing the other to confirm it or be the instrument that evokes it.

Now, that’s hot.

Humility: Who gives a fuck?

When I find myself judging myself sexually for whatever reason my ego is deciding on in that moment, I’ve started to ask myself “who gives a fuck?”

Because guess what? No one gives one more than you do.

And really, it’s not that serious. We all need to laugh at our sexual selves a bit more.

This little discovery has probably been the most freeing of all.

Because do you know what happens when I allow myself to not care all that much if I’m sexual enough, good enough, or whatever enough?

I let go.

And when I let go, I get lost in the animal I know myself to be.

It’s only when you get tired of being ashamed of yourself, when that act of cruelty actually becomes boring, you can really step into being yourself.

Shout it out

Respecting my discomfort, means sometimes it’s helpful to name out loud to my partner that I feel just that: anxious, awkward as hell, or whatever.

Being yourself is a superpower.

I’ve discovered over the years my partners respect me and love me even more for it.

Authenticity liberates not only the person expressing him or herself, it liberates the person receiving the communication.

Slow your roll

Most people, and in particular most men, don’t have this concept in their vernacular. And most people regardless of gender, have trouble slowing down because, for one, we were never taught that.

But more to the point: going slower actually means going deeper. And going deeper means getting more intimate. And getting more intimate means…

We freak out!

Going slow is one of the tenants of tantric sex. With it comes the advice that you should practice it with a partner whom you trust.

It’s easy to have animalistic sex especially when the chemistry is there however, it’s also incredibly easy to mistake good sex for deep connection.

The “good sex” stays mostly on the physical level without moving into deeper forms of intimacy and as is often the case, the two people find themselves with issues in all the other areas of their relationship, unable to solve them because neither actually want or are too scared to be truly vulnerable with one another.

The sex becomes the only form of closeness.

Having sex “without having sex”

Several years ago I had a sexual experience where the only thing we did for hours was touch each other, genitals not included. Though I knew something powerful was happening, I didn’t really think I was in a “sexual experience” until the next morning when I discovered I felt (and he too) quite vulnerable.

Being entirely present with him, connecting emotionally, physically and spiritually solely through touch for over an hour, I had let myself be seen.

It has been one of the more deeper sexual experiences I’ve had in my life thus far.

Over the past five years I’ve been finding partners where I have no other choice but to practice slowing my roll. I’m not going to lie, it’s been absolutely frustrating at times, until just recently when I stopped resisting and discovered the point.

If I want a deeper connection with my body and more intimacy with others, then I have to respect that going slower is the safest way in.

In other words, moving too fast without a foundation to support this kind of emotional intensity can lead to one or both parties running in opposite directions.

Which has also happened in this past year.

The pleasure of micro-momenting

I’ve found a special kind of pleasure in experiences where intimacy evolves in the micro-moments rather than in the big bang.

I mean I’ll happily take it and there’s another kind of pleasure that comes from instant gratification.

I’m not sure it’s always the best way.

I also don’t think a deep and lasting love is possible through fast tracking ourselves or our relationships there.

Relationships are not, by nature, instant gratification experiences. They take time and work.

Getting to know ourselves and another human requires a slowing down in general, a willingness to enter without judgment into our own inner worlds and that of another to see, hear and be in our most vulnerable places where being loved (where we feel the absolute worst) is the big bang of our life journey.

So Just Breathe

Breath your way through all the self-doubt, self-hate and shame. Your breath is there to help you reconnect.

We often jump ship in life when things just start to get interesting. If we stick with rather than run off, really extraordinary things begin to happen.

Allowing what is to be, a huge act of faith indeed, creates a sacred place where we make contact with our intuition and can engage in a sexual dance that comes from following our feelings, impulses, and imagination- in connection with the other-(all of which ironically morph into some of our greatest sexual techniques.)

And some of our greatest love affairs!

So there you have it.

Finding sexual liberation “quickie style” doesn’t often go hand in hand nor require that you know what you’re doing.

So why not take a chance by letting your discomfort be the door to some of your greatest pleasure?

I’m here for any questions and would love to hear your thoughts :-)

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DOANTE